Spousal Abuse

Spousal Abuse, continued

Now, I am getting tired of writing about spousal abusers, so I am planning to go on to something else. Before leaving this topic, however, I want to re-iterate that most of the material in these recent postings does not originate with me. It is taken from a variety of sources that you can easily access via any internet search engine such as Google. My apologiews to the original authors whose work I may have unintentionally plagiarized. I would refer you to Warning Signs of a Domestic Abuser – which you can find on the following website: http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk – and I recommend that you access and read the original article. Not all of the characteristics that I have described can be expected to be present in any particular spousal abuser – while not all abusive people show the same traits, or display the tendencies to the same extent, if several behavioural traits are present, there is a strong tendency toward abusiveness. Generally, the more warning signs are present, the greater the likelihood of violence. In some cases, an abuser may have only a couple of behavioural traits that can be recognized, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things). Nevertheless, potential partners should beware of becoming intimately involved with anyone who exhibits even a few of them.

Spousal Abuse

Spousal Abuse, continued

Aggressive men behave aggressively. Any use of force by a man during his disagreements with his partner are a BIG warning sign! What starts off in early courtship as a bit of a push or a shove, can turn into fullblown beatings not long down the road. An abuser may physically restrain you from leaving the room, lash out at you with his hand or another object, pin you against a wall or shout ‘right in your face’. Basically any form of force used during an argument can be a sign that serious physical violence is a strong possibility.

Threatening violence, like violence itself, is designed to manipulate and control the partner, to keep her in her place and prevent her making her own decisions. Breaking or striking objects is also threatening and is often used as a punishment for some imagined misdeed on his partner’s part. He may break one of her treasured objects, beat his fists on the table or chair or throw something at or past her.

Most people do not threaten their mates, but an abuser will excuse this behaviour by saying “everybody talks like that,” maintain he is only kidding or say that this because the relationship or his partner are so important to him. He may tell her that she is “over-sensitive” for being upset by such threats. Threats can also be less overt, such as “If you leave me, I will kill myself”, or “You are so wonderful, I will never let you go/couldn’t live without you”.

Spousal Abuse

Spousal Abuse, continued

What sort of man finds abusiveness ego syntonic? That is, having abused once, why does it continue. I admit to having hit my wife early in our marriage. She said, “Is this the way that it is going to be?” and I vowed (to myself) that I would never do that again. I never have and never will (after 58 more years and counting). Unfortunately, very rarely is abuse or violence a one-off event: a batterer will beat any woman he is with; an emotionally abusive person will be emotionally abusive toward all his intimate partners, a sexually abusive person will be sexually abusive toward all his intimate partners. Situational circumstances do not make a person an abuser.

The spousal abuser may tell you that it won’t happen with you because “you love them enough to prevent it” or “you won’t be stupid enough to wind me up that much”. Once again, this is denying his own responsibility for the abuse, and shifting the responsibility for the relationship remaining abuse-free onto his partner. Past violence is one of the strongest pointers that abuse will occur. If you begin to suspect that the person you are with is an abuser, try to speak to his previous partners, to see if you are likely to become the person on the experiencing end of a recurring abusive pattern.

Spousal Abuse

Spousal Abuse, continued

While neither drinking nor the use of drugs are signs of an abusive personality, heavy drinking or drug abuse is a warning sign in general, and they do increase the risks of abuse, especially violence, taking place – often an abusive person will blame the drink for his abuse. In addition, a person who, knowing there is a risk he could be violent when drinking or on drugs, chooses to get drunk or high, is in effect choosing to abuse.

Then there is the issue of driving while impaired, which is a serious problem, particularly if it puts the children at risk. Furthermore, children often base their own behavior on what they see their parents doing (which is one of the better reasons for leaving an abusive spouse – you don’t want your kids to grow up thinking that it is all right for a man to abuse his wife), and you don’t want them to grow up thinking that it is all right to drink and drive.

Addictions of any kind are problematic at the best of times, but they can be cured (see, for example, my earlier postings regarding Doug Quirk’s research on Addicaus and Addicure). Each addictive substance is addictive because of what it does for the person, e.g., blunting his feelings of low self esteem, which is a major problem for spousal abusers – it isn’t all done just for the secondary reinforcement value of being in control. If those needs can be satisfied in some other way, and those ways usually can be found if the person is serious about treatment, the addictive substance loses its value and can no longer affect (at that point, the former) addict.

Spousal Abuse

Spousal Abuse, continued

What sort of man can’t distinguish between caring, collaborating, and controlling? When I was working in the Man to Man program for spousal abusers, I often wondered about that. I remember one man (who was trying to overcome his abusive tendencies) telling me about letting his wife leave a party early for some reason or other, as if it were evidence of not being abusive. I drew to his attention that “letting her” was an indication of his being in control of the situation. If they were truly equals, why would she need his permission to do something that she felt a need to do?

In fact, with spousal abusers, controlling behaviour is often disguised or excused as concern. Concern for his partner’s safety, her emotional or mental health, the need to use her time well, or to make sensible decisions. Your abuser may be angry or upset if you are “late” coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends, etc., even if you told him you would be back later than usual. Your abuser may question you closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why you did something he was not involved in. As this behaviour gets worse – obviously no one would become involved with a man who behaved this way from the start – his partner may not be allowed to make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to church or how you spend her time or money, or may even make her ask for permission to leave the house or room. Alternately, he may theoretically allow her to make her own decisions, but penalise her for making the wrong ones, i.e., for not making the decisions he would have made. Concern for our loved ones to a certain extent is normal – trying to control their every move is not.